Written: 28 June, 2026
TW/CW:Self harm, sleep deprivation, mention of drugs
Writin’ is actually hard. Seriously. Like, I feel like I just can’t talk at all. I don’t like talkin’ in real life because my voice make me dysphoric, and so do the voice in my own head. I feel grossed out by the person that is to be “me”, I feel all of me is fake. Not just my body. I feel like I do a lot of things just to please others because I want to feel like I’m worth anything in this disgustin’ body. I want to feel like people actually want me around them but I just can’t. I really just can’t. I’m somehow always less than in my head no matter how high my ACT or AP scores might suggest. No matter how much I make people smile. Or feel like they can relax and be theyself. I can barely even drive because that force you to be present so you don’t actually kill yourself and everyone else in the car, it’s genuine agony.
I just realized that I tend to stay up as a form of self harm, and didn’t realize until I did it late last night. I’ll stay up until I feel pain, and it feel like the dysphoria I go through is actually bareable. When the pain go away after some time, I feel like I’m powerful. Like for once I’m not bein’ bogged down by my own mind. Like I can do anything. I hate doin’ it because I feel the aftermath the next mornin’ and usually end up wastin’ my day because I’m so damn sleepy still, but it has taught me something valuable. It’s taught me that I need a balance of dissociatin’ and bein’ present. I’m no doctor, but whenever I become aware of my body, I feel sick. It be hurtin’, physically it be hurtin’. No wonder, my body ain’t how it should be. I’m livin’ a lie by avoidin’ to transition, and lies ain’t always stable. I wish to replace this self harm with meditation, because not only can you get health benefits from it, I can get them without needin’ to remember my body so much. If I focus on a sound for long enough, I’ll enter a meditative state. That way, I can feel like I’ve actually gotten rest, and the times I need to focus on my body can be when drivin’ and furtherin’ my transition. That sound like a good idea, I’ll make a post updatin’ y’all on if it work or nah.
I think I avoid transition for two main reasons: executive dysfunction and needin’ to come back into the present. The reason I came to neocities was to leave behind social media (which I didn’t really do, oops). I still stand by that reasonin’ on social media. Social media has truly ruined me, and when people say it’s addictive like drugs can be I don’t doubt them at all. I can not want to be on social media at all yet still be worried I’m gon’ be bored without it. Bein’ bored sound like a death sentence, and honestly, it is. Because if I’m bored, I have to face the awful reality of my body as I settle back into the present. Scrollin’ make you forget about your surroundin’s, that’s probably why I use it so much. But I hate it, people truly are so dumb and so mean it’s genuine mental torture to even think of openin’ the app or site. So, I’ll to spend more of my time meditatin’.
I really want to be hopeful as much as I am in despair, because that is what I am at the end of the day. Anything doomerist I say is really either temporary or I don’t really believe it. So, I’m hopeful meditation to dissociate will help. Maybe even make me feel a bit better about the body I’m in right now. Who knows.